I know I want to write. I’ve been having this feeling of wanting to write and share my feelings for a while. But I just can’t put what I’m feeling into words. I just feel this deep sadness. I know what it’s like to long for a baby and then lose your baby before you get to meet them. But this is different. This is a family who was so excited for their baby. Came to clinic as concerned and anxious first time parents and excited to meet their little one. And despite getting prenatal care and everything looking great, the next second, their world came crashing down during childbirth. The mom never got to meet her baby in person before passing away. She fought for days and even showed signs of improvement. But then her body just couldn’t keep fighting. You see reels and hear of people always talking about the joys of pregnancy and yes, it’s tough, but “just think of the joy when you get to hold your little one for the first time. You’ll forget about the pain.” “You’re brin...
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Light in the Darkness
Some days are ok. And then the darkness of the night feels overwhelming. The sadness, the anxiety can feel so suffocating. It feels so long. It’s like a wave came up out of nowhere and totally blindsided me, and I feel like I’m rolling around in a wave, trying to get my footing again. Trying to come up for air. A few weeks ago, we had the joy of meeting a beautiful family. They were instant family. You see they have a daughter, Gianna, who is in Heaven too. And they started an organization in her memory: Gia’s Hope. Peter and I’s daughter went to Heaven near the end of last year. Her name: Gianna Hope. None of us knew each other or even of each other until recently. It was totally a God thing. And that was just the beginning of a beautiful connection. We had SO MANY heart to hearts in the week they came to serve with us. The whole family just spoke so many words of wisdom from their walk with grief. They weren’t scared to come alongside us and sit with us in the pain,...
Moment by moment, day by day
After my gallbladder surgery, I was completely wiped out. After back to back surgeries and a crazy amount of blood loss over the last months, I didn’t have any energy left in me. Just walking to the bathroom was a chore. My body had been through so much physically, emotionally, and mentally over the last 3 months. People wanted to visit and I literally just couldn’t do it. All during this time, there were things that people would say to Peter and I during our most difficult times in our lives. Some were genuine and comforting. Others meant well, but what they said hurt us to our core. Almost anyone who has gone through a significant loss can relate unfortunately. You quickly find out who is meant to be your community. The ones who help hold you up because you just don’t have the strength. The ones you go to when you’re just a puddle on the floor and can’t pull it together. The ones you send a message, ask if you can come over, and just sit in silence together. The ones you ...
Waves of grief
Everything seemed normal. Just another day. And then the spotting started. That went on for 2 weeks. An ultrasound confirmed that everything appeared to be fine. But the spotting continued. While we were at our clinic on the river, where we work, I experienced a really sharp pain in the middle of the night. Soon after that, the bleeding became heavier. And that continued for weeks, getting heavier and heavier. I was exhausted, getting lightheaded at times. Another ultrasound without answers, taking meds to try to stop the bleeding. But nothing was working. I was being told that it was hormonal. God put the thought in my head that it could be a miscarriage. I brought it up with my medical provider. But I was told that I shouldn’t be bleeding so much. One of the worst days, I was out with Peter and 2 of our staff. I went to the bathroom to clean up from having so many clots. We then quickly grabbed a bite to eat. 20 minutes later, I stood up and just felt the gush as clot after clot...