I know I want to write. I’ve been having this feeling of wanting to write and share my feelings for a while. But I just can’t put what I’m feeling into words. I just feel this deep sadness.
I know what it’s like to long for a baby and then lose your baby before you get to meet them. But this is different. This is a family who was so excited for their baby. Came to clinic as concerned and anxious first time parents and excited to meet their little one. And despite getting prenatal care and everything looking great, the next second, their world came crashing down during childbirth. The mom never got to meet her baby in person before passing away. She fought for days and even showed signs of improvement. But then her body just couldn’t keep fighting.
You see reels and hear of people always talking about the joys of pregnancy and yes, it’s tough, but “just think of the joy when you get to hold your little one for the first time. You’ll forget about the pain.” “You’re bringing a baby into the world.” “Being a parent will be the hardest thing you do, but it’s the most rewarding.” I don’t doubt that. But what about the people who don’t get their “happily ever after?” The parents who won’t meet their child on this side of heaven or the child who won’t meet their parent(s) on this side of heaven? Or the children who go through unimaginable abuse? The ones longing for a loving family? The ones who have a traumatic birth story? The ones who go through so much pain and the labor to have to bury their child at the end? Or the husband who now has to bury his wife or worse yet, his wife and the baby?
So many people “glamorize” pregnancy and childbirth and for those of us who don’t get to experience that “beautiful” experience, it honestly can feel like a slap in the face. I’m not saying to keep your experience to yourself. If you had a wonderful experience where everything went “according to plan,” that’s awesome. I’m happy that you got to have that experience. But what if we were a little more mindful that not everyone gets to have that experience? We live in a world where empathy and compassion aren’t used as often as they should be. It’s a “me, me, me” culture, tangled together with posting the best moments (often making it seem like our lives are perfect or we have it all together), leading to comparison and further isolating those of us who are going through a hard time. What if we listened to someone else’s story, no matter how hard it is, and just sat with them? Yes, it might be uncomfortable for you. But the person or family on the other end will be thankful for your willingness to sit with them in the pain. Don’t know what to say? You don’t have to say anything. Oftentimes, it’s better to not say anything than to say something “well meaning” and honestly, it’s downright hurtful. You don’t have to necessarily go through something similar to show empathy and compassion. Childbirth and pregnancy are beautiful things. But in the midst of beautiful things, there is often grief and pain. Show kindness. Be willing to take a moment out of your crazy schedule to listen and sit with someone who is struggling. Ask the mom and dad how they are doing. Don’t stop at gushing over the baby and not check in with how the parents are truly feeling.
What should have been a joyful time with welcoming their firstborn into the world has ended in feeling like their world is crashing all around them. A baby boy now has to grow up without his mom. A husband has to grieve the loss of his wife, all while trying to care for his newborn son. So much heaviness. So much grief.
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