Moment by moment, day by day

After my gallbladder surgery, I was completely wiped out. After back to back surgeries and a crazy amount of blood loss over the last months, I didn’t have any energy left in me. Just walking to the bathroom was a chore. My body had been through so much physically, emotionally, and mentally over the last 3 months. People wanted to visit and I literally just couldn’t do it.  

All during this time, there were things that people would say to Peter and I during our most difficult times in our lives. Some were genuine and comforting. Others meant well, but what they said hurt us to our core. Almost anyone who has gone through a significant loss can relate unfortunately. You quickly find out who is meant to be your community. The ones who help hold you up because you just don’t have the strength. The ones you go to when you’re just a puddle on the floor and can’t pull it together. The ones you send a message, ask if you can come over, and just sit in silence together. The ones you ask for them to pray for you, no questions asked. The ones who get it. The ones who have empathy, compassion, and can comfort you. The ones who send messages, checking in on you, truly caring, and not just doing it to be noisy or “shute.” 

Meanwhile, I was struggling. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I was being told that I should be feeling better by now, starting just a week after the confirmation of our miscarriage. That it was good news really, because it meant that I could get pregnant. That we can just try again. That God doesn’t allow certain women to have biological babies, so just adopt. That I’ll be a good mom someday, but just not a mom yet. And the list goes on. 

That only made me feel worse. I know many who didn’t go through this won’t see it this way. But, I am a mom. I have a beautiful little girl in Heaven. One of the messages that I got after our miscarriage that had me in tears and allowed me to fully start to grieve was from a dear friend who confirmed that I am a mom. That I fought for our little one. That message meant so much to me. She went on to say so many other tidbits that were straight from God and really touched my heart. Let me just throw this in here right now: If you have had a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or stillborns, YOU ARE A MOM. It doesn’t matter if they are here with you or in Heaven. You are a mom. If you’re the father of that baby that was lost, YOU ARE A DAD. Your baby or babies that you lost MATTER. No other child or baby or person can replace those babies. Those babies are a part of your family forever. Doesn’t matter if they are physically with you or in Heaven. They are JUST AS IMPORTANT as any other child that may come into your family later on or ones you already have. Also, for those who have living children and have experienced the loss of a baby: YOU CAN GRIEVE. It doesn’t matter if you have 10 living children or none. Each baby that you lost is a life that is precious and just as valuable. Don’t feel like you don’t have the right to grieve because you have living children and other moms out there don’t. 

After having a miscarriage, you still go through the same hormonal changes that you would have if you went full-term. You can still experience postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. It’s a fight and there are days that I don’t have much or anything left in me. Much like I mentioned in my previous post, the pain that you feel is inside of you. Others can’t see it. So, to me, it makes it that much harder as others around you expect you to be fine. Ministry continued. I continued to get countless emails and messages related to ministry. Messages and questions from people here that were work related. However, every message felt overwhelming. I would eventually respond to it. But, it was so hard. 

It’s different for everyone as to what is going to help them during this dark time in their lives. One thing that will remain the same for everyone is that we need Jesus. He is our true Healer and comforter. If you don’t know Him and want to know more, please reach out. There is no way that I would even be where I am today without Him by Peter and my side. The other things that are helpful will probably vary. For me, as I continue to work through and process it all, my husband. Peter has been so supportive and just holds me when all I can do is cry. This has brought us closer together. Also, friends who are like family. Having those couple of people that I can message no matter what hour of the day or night and ask for help, vent, cry, spend time together has been so vital. Going on walks outside, while listening to some podcasts. There’s one podcast in particular that has been so helpful during this time: Still Coloring by Toni Collier. Season 3 was about how to heal and be as whole as possible on this side of Heaven. I could relate to so many of these stories. Hearing other women who have been through some really rough times in life and that there is still hope for healing was so helpful for me to be able to keep pushing forward. Another friend who went through a miscarriage recommended the book “Held” by Abbey Wedgeworth. This book has helped me immensely as well. It was so real, raw, intertwined with Scripture without being pushy, and allowed me to really start to process and grieve instead of just being told, “You should be joyful and to cheer up.” 

While at an amazing friend’s house, we were talking about emotions and processing more about the miscarriage. For a few days before, I had been thinking of how I need a hobby. Maybe that would help with my feelings of depression, anxiety, and feeling so overwhelmed. I had hit the point that there were days that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just felt so exhausted and drained that I couldn’t do it. I felt like I’d never get through a day without crying. That I was just always going to feel like this. Even though I know my identity is ultimately in Christ, I still felt like my identity or my only purpose in life was to work, ministry. Like I didn’t have a life outside of working. I was trying to think of things that maybe I would enjoy doing that weren't work related. Crocheting came to mind. But, I wasn’t sure. Growing up, I had watched my mom doing it. But, I never thought about doing it myself. Until that day at my friend’s house, when she brought up how she had been told that maybe she should try crocheting as a way to help mentally. I just looked at her and was like, “You know, I was thinking it too! Let’s learn together.” 

And so it began. After returning from the states, I was feeling a little anxious one night. So, I busted out the yarn and crochet hooks that I had just purchased. Trying to learn a new thing probably shouldn’t be done while feeling anxious. I quickly became frustrated as I watched and rewatched the same youtube video and thought, “How in the world is she doing that!?” But, after some deep sighs, I stuck with it. Night after night, I worked on it. And now, I love it and it has become a relaxing thing for me to do. 

Another friend who also had gone through a miscarriage really has a heart for reaching out to women in the hospitals who have gone through miscarriages, had stillbirths, struggling with infertility, or needed hysterectomies. She has witnessed how the public hospitals don’t provide you with much of anything. They blame you for the loss of your child. And for the record: losing your baby was not your fault. But, it’s natural to blame ourselves, to wonder if we could have done something different to save our babies. It’s so hard to process that guilt. I’ve been there. So, for a while after my friend’s miscarriage, she was making little care packages for the moms at the hospital. 

Through losing our babies, a new ministry opportunity is rising. Brooke, Jenny, and I are going to start putting together care packages for women in hospitals who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, hysterectomies, and struggle with infertility. We are going to make and give out crocheted baby blankets in memory of their babies, little cloth bags with toothpaste, a toothbrush, brush, socks, tissues, shampoo, and soap since the hospitals don’t provide them, and a little card with Psalms 139: 13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” 

Please know that God is with you. Even when you don’t feel Him or feel hope, He is there. Recently, Peter and I have been listening to a song called, “Maker of the Moon,” by Bright City. The last line of it hit me the other day. “Hello Maker of the moon. You were there when I was in my mother’s womb.” Our Creator was with your baby when he or she was inside of you. He is and will always be with you. And your baby or babies are with Him in Heaven. 

Resources and their links mentioned in this post:

Podcast: "Still Coloring" by Toni Collier: https://spotify.link/L7eQ5q1jEBb

Book: "Held," by Abbey Wedgeworth: https://www.abbeywedgeworth.com/book

Song: "Maker of the Moon," by Bright City: https://spotify.link/nK6jKGXjEBb